Instant Mom
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In my slumber, shimming my way into a stomach crunch, the figure disappears.
It reappears soon after with a blanket and mini-life sized bunny.
As only good humans would do, I pick up the little figure and lay it to rest next to me.
We are packed onto a double bed like a family of sardines. It is winter.
Unlike when I was younger and found myself in the middle of the sandwich, tonight I am the bun.
It is fascinating how kids can still dominate you even whilst asleep.
Obviously, this fella is hot as he pushes the blanket away like a leg press.
By the way, it ended up being only 2am. In a sense that's a great thing as I might be able to get another few hours of shut-eye.
That said, knotting myself into an unknown yoga move to stay warm under the scares blanket might leave me in a spasm come morning.
The closest way to explain a seven-year-olds face when he wakes up, should I add he knows full well this day holds a lot of easily won games of manipulation, would be to imagine a dog digging numerous holes in your newly laid lawn. Super chuffed with himself, tongue out.
The thing about being an instant mother is, you are still pretty much very self-centred. Note to self, these are not robots. You are in the minority here so deal with it and work out a game plan. How did I find myself in this odd predicament you might ask? Well, my ride or die had clingy cats and had to watch the Wimbledon men's final. So there’s that.
They are hungry and my teeth still need to get brushed.
Also, for someone that is a bit of a perfectionist, this is an issue.
Things happen in a step by step manner. On the daily.
Anyway, kids fed. Well, three to four different breakfasts later I now understand that the struggle is real.
I will never understand how some mothers have kids and still fit into a Freddy Jean. Like seriously.
As harsh as it sounds, I guess just don’t start. Give the leftovers to the birds, fish or trash compactor. Repeat after me Freddy-Jean-owner-of-the-future, "I am not a bin!"
Winter might be one of the worst times to look after kids. It is only almost nice outside at around 10am. Oh yes, and there is some kind of time warp when you look after kids. Time doesn’t want to go by. At all. Seriously.
So we have reverted to playing video games. How healthy it is for them I don’t know. But I know it works for me. Less I forget, the tea I was preparing before is still not finished. To be more clear, the cup is next to the kettle. The end.
Time has passed but not fast enough for my stomach to be fed again. Perhaps I can continue making this talked about tea by flicking on the kettle and chucking in a tea bag this time.
I hear a yell and a scream. Like any sibling relationship, these are the moments that strengthen your people skills. They are just preparing each other for the real world. Well kinda.
The preparation for lunch is underway. As well as the third attempt at making a cuppa. Pasta pesto. A pretty easy and delicious meal option. I actually don’t care about the difficulty of the meal as long as I don’t struggle to feed the troops. In my mind's eye, I can already see myself slurping up the pasta in secret, standing over the sink in the scullery. No! Freddy I promise I am coming for you.
A movie doesn’t keep them intrigued long enough. I cave in for another round of games on the tablet. Weakling.
Round two of cleaning starts. Yes, it is only 12:10. Math has never been my strong suit but that basically means that if they get bathed at 5:30, eat and then go to bed at around 8pm, I basically have 8 hours left of entertaining them.
Finally, but ouch. A super-duper hot sip of tea is still swallowed with pure bliss. The doorbell rings and I am greeted by a little angel. She is here to play with the little people. Shouting and laughter fill the once stale air. Their imagination has led them to a unicorn underworld war between Hulk and The Black Panther.
The sudden joy of a minute to myself. Not having to explain nuts and boobies.
It is so relieving I actually don’t know whaattt tooo dooo……..
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